Don't Wait for Valentine's Day

I know Valentine's Day has been over for a week now, but I've been a little busy.  Busy with work, busy with the kids and busy working on my marriage.  In August, I will be married for twenty years.  Some days it seems like I just got married yesterday and other days it seems like it has been an eternity.  My husband and I are complete opposites.  He is a complete type A personality.  He likes order and discipline and it shows in everything he does.  I don't think they made a one letter personality type for me, three letters maybe like ADD.  Chaos abounds in my life and in the way I do things, sometimes I hide it well and other times it is quite obvious.  It is mostly obvious to my darling husband.  My husband pops out of bed like a cork in the morning, I hit the snooze button at least twice before I drag myself out of the covers.  My husband likes to be out and about, I prefer my home.  He is very direct, I beat around the bush.  He insists on doing everything right away and I am a procrastinator.  I love sports, he tolerates them for the sake of his children. We agree about many things, but rarely get to the same conclusion in the same way.  I could probably add a hundred more differences but will spare you the monotony.  Not exactly a match made in heaven is probably what you are thinking right about now.

Well, that would be a wrong assumption.  After almost twenty years of marriage, we apparently are still crazy about each other.  I really love my husband more now than when we were first married and can't imagine life without him.  We do not have a fairy tale marriage because life is not a fairy tale.  Life is messy and complicated and we are so far from perfect.  We do have a happy marriage.  I truly believe that one of the reasons we are happy is because we work on our marriage.  All the time, not just when things are rough.  We don't wait around for Valentine's Day or our anniversary to act like we care.  I am not a marriage expert, but feel it's the right time of year to share some of the things we do to keep our marriage and our feelings for each other strong.

1.  Spend time alone together.  I know this is easier said than done, but it is our number one thing.  At some point during the week we try to get away just the two of us.  Some days it means going to our room and locking the door.  It might mean a quick bite to eat at Subway or a stroll around Walmart or the mall.  It might mean a real date with dinner and a movie.  Every now and then it means a complete get away over night.  The last one takes some planning and saving but it is so worth it.

2.  Remove the "D" word from your vocabulary.  There are many reasons why people get divorced and not mentioning it may not solve every problem.  That being said, making a commitment to not divorcing and not threatening with it certainly helps.  My husband and I know that if we have an argument, disagreement or even a full scale war, we will resolve it somehow.  We do not view divorce as an option; instead we work on overcoming our differences.  (disclaimer:  my husband and I are not abusive to each other, we are not ax murderers or drug dealers, and we are faithful to each other.  I do understand that there are situations where divorce is unavoidable)

3.  Have a common purpose or cause.  In our case, we have more than one.  The first is raising our children.  The second is we share the same faith and belief in God. The third is our commitment to helping others by ministering in a church for hurting and homeless people. We both want the best for our children and though our parenting styles are different, we are committed to raising them together.  Our faith and beliefs encourage us in our marriage.  We are living for something bigger than ourselves. By ministering together we have found that our differences actually complement each other.  We balance each other out quite nicely.

4.  Do not try to change your spouse.  Chances are your spouse has some really irritating habits and flaws in their personality.  Guess what?  So do you.  Every person on the planet does.  If you continuously focus on the things that you can't stand about your spouse or the things that you wish they would change, you will very quickly forget about what made them so great in the beginning.  Nagging, whining and complaining will not make someone change.  If anything it will make them more stubborn.  I think if we are honest with ourselves, what we want is to be totally accepted for who we are, warts and all.  Usually getting this starts with us being accepting of others for who they are warts and all, especially our spouse who we love more than anyone else.  (disclaimer: again I am not talking about abuse, infidelity or any kind of criminal activity - if you have a spouse that is engaged in any of that type of behavior, you have every right to demand a change)

5.  Think of your marriage as an investment.  I am not financially savvy, but I do understand that the more money I put into my savings account, the more money I will have in the future.  I think the same principle applies to marriage.  The more time, effort , money and love you invest into your marriage, the more it will yield in the future.  This especially goes for couples with children.  It is easy to forgo dating once children are in the picture, but you have to keep in mind that one day your children will leave you.  They are supposed to do that.  Your spouse however should still be there.  No longer having children to care for removes a common mission that you share with your spouse.  There needs to be other things that bring you together.  And yes, I did say to invest money into your marriage.  You can often tell what is important to someone by looking at what they spend their money on.  Put money aside for dates and get away if you are able.  Every now and then splurge on something that will bring joy to your spouse.  I am sure that when you were dating your spouse, money was spent on making sure you had fun together, money spent on making sure that you KNEW that you were cared about and loved.  Don't stop know just because you are married! Do it all the more because you ARE married!

There are a few more things that I am sure could be added to the list but these are definitely the top five.  If you have some great ideas about making a marriage work, or if you think I've left out something really important, feel free to comment.

Baby It's Cold Outside

I found an update on facebook today for Pottstown's Ministries at Main Street.  This is the ministry that runs the winter shelter for those who have no where to go.  I have included the link for their newsletter and it says everything that needs to be said.  Please consider donating to keep those without homes safe and sheltered through these winter months.

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/The-Ministries-at-MAIN-St-Shelter-eNews---February-2013.html?soid=1011336115007&aid=L5RA44R0hKk